The Royal Scoop on NOT Catching the Travel Bug

OK, so it’s obvious I spend a lot of time in airplanes. Being a person who hates being sick, or being bogged down by some contagious illness that could've been prevented in the first place, I’ve discovered a few tricks of my own for NOT catching the travel bug. By that, I mean the cold or cough one usually gets from recycled airplane air contaminated by fellow travelers who think nothing of hacking and hachooing their way at 35,000 feet. Yuck. You can take Airborne all you want, but one never knows whether those dressed-like-Martians-or-mechanics that come and clean the interior of an airplane really do a job worthy of my inspection, clean-freak, germaphobe that I am. So, to you jet-setters and world travelers, here’s my secret recipe on staying healthy and bug-free while travelling.

Ingredients:
2 sarongs (the beach kind that wraps around your bathing suit)
1 pair lightweight, black yoga or workout pants
1 black long sleeve t-shirt
1 pair earphones, noise cancelling headset, or equiv - whatever you can afford.
1 pair socks (unless travelling business or first class and you get these for free)
1 pair earplugs (unless ditto above)
Small package anti-bacterial wipes
1 pkg disposal pillow covers (available at Edwards Luggage or any travel store)
1 travel size moisturizer
1 travel size toothpaste
1 toothbrush

Procedure:
1. Upon settling to cruising altitude, proceed directly to "empty" lavatory.
2. Peel off your nice, presentable, travel clothes (one most always look decent when travelling – no shorts, sandals, sneakers or tank tops allowed). Change to long sleeve black shirt and workout pants. Fold and put away nice travel clothes for later use.
3. Return to your seat.
4. Remove shoes and put on socks.
5. Cover seat entirely with one sarong. You don't want your head touching that headrest.
6. Wipe down entire seating area with anti-bacterial wipes. Don’t forget the touchpad for the radio, video, armrest, fold-away table. God knows the Martians didn’t wipe these down and who knows whose fingers have been there. And where those fingers have been.
7. Recline seat.
8. Cover airline-issued pillow with disposal pillowcase.
9. Place 2nd sarong over you, and the airline issued blanket over that. Make sure nothing airline-issued touches you
10. Buckle your seatbelt.
11. Plug headset in, choose a channel. Have a good time listening to music or watching a movie.
12. Have a glass of wine before dinner. Skip the nuts unless they’ve been warmed in the microwave.
13. Place seat upright when real food arrives and have two glasses of wine with dinner and one after.
14. After meal, unbuckle yourself and untangle yourself from the comfortable and germ-free environment that you just spent hours setting up.
15. Proceed again to the "empty" lavatory. Do your business, then wash your hands, brush your teeth with your own travel toothbrush and toothpaste. Airline issued ones don’t do the trick well enough.
16. Moisturize hands, because you know darn well that dehydration started hours ago and your static-y hair will soon be standing and sticking to everything and the skin on your face will start to flake off. The 4 drinks you had should start to take effect now.
17. Repeat steps 6 to 10.
18. Have another glass of wine. Plus, maybe a melatonin as insurance for the 6 hours of sleep you need before you land and head into a meeting.
19. Remove headset and replace with earplugs.
20. Recline seat again and doze off. Sweet dreams…and all that.
21. Awake an hour before landing.
22. Unbuckle and proceed to lavatory and reverse steps 2-4.
23. Skip breakfast of whatever meal they serve before landing. The calories just aren’t worth it.
24. Repeat step 14 and 15
25. Reverse steps 4-9. Make sure to dispose of the "disposable" pillow case.
26. Make yourself presentable for arrival. Whether you're seeing the officer at passport control, your boss, a co-worker or your loved one who's dying to see you after a long absence, there's nothing worse than coming off an airplane looking and smelling like something the cat dragged in. Even if it was a 24 hour trip. There is just no excuse.

The above surely will generate looks of disbelief from strangers all around you and comments like “I don’t know you” from your travelling companions. Ignore them all. Trust me when I say, this will ensure a healthy, bug-free and pleasant trip to whatever destination you are headed to.

Bon Voyage!!