I Don't Do Dead People

I happened to be in Miami last week….originally to visit an old and dear friend who had a double mastectomy last November, but the trip coincided with the funeral services of the husband of another old and dear friend. (Yes, I have lots of those…all from grade school and high school who remain my best friends to this day). I had never met the deceased – they lived too far away from me (and kept moving) and we all just got too busy with our lives. He was a faith healer of sorts, hence his services were attended by family, friends and followers.

I told my friend, Kim, that I would attend the wake of her husband. 'But", I warned her, “I don’t do dead people”. And here’s why.

All my life, I’ve had an active and very vivid memory. Both when I’m awake and asleep. I remember people exactly as I last saw them. If the last time I saw you was when we you were ten years old, that’s exactly how I’ll always think of you and how my mind will draw you. And when I dream of you and I probably will, I will think of you as that ten year old. So the last thing I want to do is see dead people, because that image will stay in my mind forever, never to be redeemed by another, more pleasant follow-up meeting. Not even the world's leading make-up-artist-to-the-living-and-dead will convince me you're just sleeping. I'll remember that image forever. I couldnt even look at my own father, or my sister when they passed. I want the memory of people I know and love to put a smile in my face. I don’t want to get the heebie-geebies.

So here’s a tip for those of you that dont like to look into the big brown box.

-Dress appropriately. Don’t look happier than the widow(er).
-Stand or sit in the back. Strategically place yourself so flowers and people will block the view.
-Pray for the soul of the departed and that the survivors are blessed with the strength to withstand this pain.
-Then, wait for the widow or family to make their way to the back.
-Give the surviving loved ones a very tight hug and tell them you’re sorry.
-If you're just an acquantaince and you’re asked if you want to see “Ramon”, or “Jim” or “Mary”, say “I have lovely memories of him/her when he/she was alive. I’d like to keep that.” Assuming you’re just an acquaintance.
-If you’re a REALLY good friend of the surviving wife , husband or child, you can simply say “I don’t do dead people” and it will make them laugh. References will be made to the movie "Sixth Sense" and the quote "I see dead people", etc, etc. At that point, you sacrifice a little of your self esteem and become the butt of jokes for all the other friends gathered around. What you’ve just offered is some much needed comic relief in a time of deep sorrow.